I felt the tears coming again when I saw the young lady walking back to her seat wiping her own eyes with a tissue. I was glad to see her visibly moved. But, I blinked back the tears reminding myself I didn't have on waterproof mascara. (I know, what a deep thought, right?)
Side note... The last song we sang today was "Amazing Grace." Yes, that's a beautiful song, however I've always told myself that I don't want that played at my funeral. I want "Ode to Joy" played instead. It starts off, "Joyful, joyful, we adore thee..." talking about God, of course. My thinking is that the second song is so much happier. But, today "Amazing Grace" moved me like it hasn't ever moved me before. I also noticed two other women around me that had the sniffles, too. It made me wonder what exactly made them feel so moved when hearing that song. Was it because the song was played at a funeral of a loved one? Did it make them feel closer to God because of the universal familiarity of it? I'm just curious... and I'm not sure why I felt that way.
I've been struggling a lot with my relationship with God lately. I feel estranged from Him, and I know it is only because I have pulled away. I'm involved with three other friends in a prayer group where we exchange weekly prayers for our families, and part of the church sewing guild, but I know I need more. My spiritual discipline has waned. I think about joining a Bible study, but I talk myself out of it. I think I'm afraid to be moved in front of others.
I've wanted to write a letter to my priest and let him know what I'm struggling with. I've also thought about just talking with him in person, but I think I would just become a blubbering idiot and not end up making a whole lot of sense. I want to do more for my church and my community. I don't have a desire to convert people, but I do have a desire to do more behind the scenes. I feel like my contribution is supposed to be greater in this life. I'm struggling with what to sign up for and making sure it balances with the rest of my family life. So, basically I'm not letting God lead me at all. I'm consistently telling Him no, I'm too busy to take on more.
Today I am making a pledge to pray more often and more focused. I'm going to reach out to some people that I'm spiritually connected with and ask for their prayers, too. I'm a big believer in prayer. I've had more prayers answered than I can count. And, I'm confident I'll find my niche. I just need to start with discipline.